Trying so har to believe this (2 Corinthians 12:7-10) . But I am not feeling any strength right now. I am feeling defeated. Scared, crushed and heartbroken. I always said, “Thank God my leg just hurts but at least I can walk.” He took that away. “Well at least I am intelligent and I have my mind”. It spread to my head and brain, affecting my IQ, short-term and long-term memory, fine and gross motor skills. Leaving me with seizure like episodes when the pain gets too high.”That’s ok. I am still smart and capable in other ways. And at least I look normal, a bit twitchy but normal”
Now even that is gone!!!
I know some of this sounds like whining or as superficial. That makes me feel even worse about how I feel. And if one more person tells me to be happy it’s not cancer… I’m going to seriously lose my shit. It makes me want to scream “At least I will have an ending that we can prepare for. You get better or you die. And I don’t mean to be callous but this is more painful than cancer and there is no cure and it won’t kill me. Instead, it eats your soul, your self-worth and every shred of dignity you have.
I’m so damned tired of this fight. I want it over. I just want one thing, just one, that’s great about me. That stays mine. That stays great. Just one glimmer of who I used to be.
2 Corinthians 12:7-10King James Version (KJV)
7 And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure
8 For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me.
9 And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
10 Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.
King James Version (KJV)