Opiate spiral

Tried to stay up last night and ended needing to take a Norco tab. Still feel shitty from it. How my mother must have felt since she took opiates for years. But I will say that when I have been on opiates I’ve felt rage like hers! Big ugly, dark and dangerous. But I don’t even get annoyed at anything anymore when I take them because I have learned that these turn toxic within a few days of regular use. But for years they explain why I would fall into such horrible depressions with a week. Depressions that have led to using a few homeless shelters over the years just to have a safe shower and have a meal.

It always starts with pain. Then the meds for the anxiety, insomnia, agitation, and irritability caused by the pain medication. The meds plus the pain lead to a deepening depression and agitation. And I spiral down. The world began to visibly appear darker as if a screen was dimmed. And they continued to add more drugs. Night terrors when I could sleep, hours of pacing in a terrified mania when awake.  I have months I don’t even remember anything but the pacing. Pacing in the kitchen, the hospital, the clinic, always pacing. Trying to hold a thought became like trying to take a still photo from the inside of a moving carousel. It felt like always being blackout drunk. People said I was functioning but I have no memories.  It was Prince Charming who caught it. He made them stop all meds and to wean me off the opiates. It took months for me to recover from the toxic cocktail they had me on. They were getting ready to do electric shock therapy when my husband stepped in.

It was Prince Charming who caught it. He thought back to when I was me, his crazy happy, funny and present fiance. Then he followed the progression of my decline and traced it to the pain medication. Which I was still on by the way.  He made them stop all meds and to wean me off the opiates. It has taken months for me to recover from the toxic cocktail they had me on. They were getting ready to do electric shock therapy, even though they call it a much nicer name now.

Thank God he listened to me in my rare moments of lucidity. I would beg him to help me find a way out. Not kill myself but I wanted to be me again. He heard me cry out of black depths. He saw me drowning and the lights going out. But he held on to me. I kicked… He pulled (literally pulled me off the meds) Together we found the way out.

My heart breaks for people who are in that toxic cocktail stage. Many don’t even realize that they are in that situation.

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